Liar Liar Pants on Fire
by Cassprincess
Summary: Crack-fic.  Rachel owes one Noah Puckerman a few favors.  It's spring break of their senior year of college.  He's cashing in.  A madcap adventure loosely based on factual events.  St. Puckleberry.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! So this is going to be a quick two-parter. Those who care, I will be posting an update to Misfit Toy Hero Squad.

This is loosely based on factual events that may or may not have happened in the past four days. I know nothing and can be held accountable in the court of law of NOTHING.

* * *

**Liars Liars Pants on Fire - Part One  
**

* * *

When Will Schuester's original Glee Club from the 2010-2011 school term graduated, he alternated between beaming and crying as each one took their diploma from Principal Figgins. The graduating class was small enough this year that as their names were announced by Emma Pillsbury, a little blurb about their future plans was read as well to whoops and hollers from proud family members in the crowd. Finn, Quinn, Tina and Mike were all going to Ohio State University. Sam was going to Duke on a baseball scholarship. Kurt, Mercedes and Santana were all heading to NYU. Artie was going to the University of Pennsylvania. Rachel was heading to Juliard, _of course_, and Mr. Schuester was truly proud of the Glee Club's star member. Brittany was going to _Yale_. It had been shocking to say the least, but the biggest jolt of Will's life came just after Brittany S. Pierce was announced and applauded and officially graduated.

"Noah Puckerman. Noah will be heading to the West coast in the fall, where he will be enrolling in the music program at the University of California," Emma read from her cue cards. She paused and looked at the card again then up at the boy whose name was the same as the one she had just read on the car. He was currently mooning his fellow classmates on the way to snatching his diploma from Figgins, flipping off Sue Sylvester and then jumping back down to celebrate with the other recent graduates.

No one seemed to notice a small _thank you_ that left Puck's mouth and went straight into Rachel Berry's ears. They did see the high five however and it started a chain reaction of high fives.

"So I'm going to make something of myself, Rachel. And that's just because you asked me to. Now you totally owe me," Puck smirked at her, slapping her on her behind affectionately. "I'm cashing in some day. Promise you that."

Four years later, as Spring Break season was in full swing, Puck made good on that promise. He looked to his roommate in Los Angeles and said simply,

"It's time. Everything's in place. We're ready."

His roommate sighed and nodded before turning towards the laptop and firing off a quick, private message on Facebook.

_Dearest Rachel,_

_I've missed you and there will certainly be time to talk later, however, I feel it best to inform you that you will be kidnapped on March 24__th__ at exactly 3pm. Wear something gorgeous. See you then._

Rachel had laughed when reading her email and had shrugged it off as the sender's usual dramatics coming into play. It didn't stop her from heading to JFK airport, eager to pick up her visiting old friend for a lovely Spring Break week spent playing tour guide to her city. She stood at the gate, clutching a large Chanel bag, her Daddy's favorite place to shop for _nearly_ everything. It was his one place to splurge and her purse collection cluttering up her hallway closet of her apartment proved that he splurged quite a lot.

She was digging for her lip gloss to reapply when she felt a very strong grip on her arm yanking her into a darkened corner of the airport.

"UNHAND ME!" she squeaked.

"Chillax, Rachel."

Oh no. Oh no no no. He was not supposed to be here. She had nagged Noah Puckerman for six months during senior year in order for him to apply himself and get accepted into college. He had told her that for all that hard work SHE owed _him_ one. And she had been paying the price at every school break for the last four years. In Noah Puckerman's books, they would never be even.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Put these on," he thrust an overly large pair of expensive looking sunglasses at her. "What accents have you learned at school?"

"I can do at least fifteen different accents," Rachel automatically bragged, regretting it immediately.

"Russian?" he demanded.

"_Of course,_" she drawled with the accent.

"Here's the deal. You're a very important daughter of a really ridiculously wealthy and crazy powerful Russian diplomat. We're your bodyguards and we need first class," Puck said softly.

"I will do _no_ such thing. Where are we going? I have company for Spring Break and absolutely cannot let -" her eyes widened and her words died in her throat. When they returned she stared up at him, all pressed into a well-fitted navy blue single breasted suit and swallowed. She shook her head slightly and demanded in a low voice, "You just said WE are your bodyguards?"

"I can't pull everything I have planned off without a little help from OUR friends," Puck smirked, he turned and jerked his head into the hallway that he had yanked Rachel from and sure enough, watching guard in an identical suit to Puck's was Rachel's anticipated guest for the weekend."

"JESSE ST. JAMES! What on EARTH are you _doing_?" Rachel hissed. "How on Earth did you fall so low that you would be in cahoots…"

"Really Rachel, cahoots?" Puck laughed.

"This is highly improbable!" Rachel balked.

"We've been roommates for four years," Jesse explained simply. "He's lots of fun."

"You know what else is lots of fun? My plan. Get Russian…get important…we're flying first class," Puck ordered.

"To _where_?" Rachel demanded.

"To Vegas baby."

* * *

For the first time in her life, security at the airport had been a walk in the park. They had walked towards the airline ticket desk and her two "bodyguards" had explained the situation to the desk agent. Rachel would never ever know what possessed her, but she began to speak rather authoritative Russian gibberish, pointing to the nearby Starbucks haughtily. Jesse nodded and ran off and soon she was sipping on a non-fat, soy caramel latte while waiting to be boarded into first class.

Puck grinned back at her from his seat in front of the row she and Jesse were seated in and asked in a low gruff voice,

"Feel like joining the mile-high club, Princess?"

Rachel certainly couldn't be blamed that the ice in her cup found its way into the front of Puck's underwear, but his squirming and discomfort would have been worth any blame laid upon her.

She was impressively Russian and impressively demanding throughout the entire flight. She knew that there was no viable way of stopping both Puck and Jesse from their intended plans and decided to follow along. It was a challenge to improve her improvisational skills after all. She obviously did a good job as they were the first set of people to deboard and were easily on their way to the arrivals gate ahead of the entire plane.

Puck reached for Rachel's sunglasses and smiled down at her as she blinked up at him questioningly. Her expression was practically a _challenge_ and he could immediately tell that she was so down for this.

"Can you still cry on cue?" he whispered. "Like that time during winter break after freshman year at college…"

"Excellently," she rolled her eyes in a bored fashion.

"I'm gonna run my hand through my hair all frustrated in about five minutes. Start sobbing," Puck ordered.

"Uncontrollably would be good," Jesse smiled at her winningly. "You've really gotten good these past few years, Miss Berry."

"You haven't seen the half of it, Mr. St. James," Rachel cheekily shot back.

"Stop flirting with St. Jerkface. Watch for your signal. Let's score us a limo ride to the hotel," Puck demanded. He charged over to one of the chauffeur services with a sudden murderous intent.

"Has he been taking drama classes?" Rachel whispered to her left. There was no answer and she was surprised and disappointed to see that Jesse had disappeared from her side. She looked back to the desk where a nervous looking teenager was trying to deal with an irate and fuming Noah Puckerman. She waited patiently for her cue, working herself up, looking incredibly sad and overly stressed in an instant. The moment Puck's hand touched the top of his head Rachel had broken down into instant tears. By the time he had made one furious swipe of his head, she was in full on melt-down mode.

When they hopped into the limo, Puck wasn't surprised to see Jesse already sitting in the back. Rachel tried to hide her surprise, but failed and Jesse couldn't help but laugh at her. He held out his hand and gave a her a prim and proper handshake, while Puck patted her on the top of her head.

"Good job, Rachel. This weekend is going to be fucking perfect," Puck grinned. He dug into his pocket and grabbed Rachel's left hand, cramming an engagement ring on. He then proceeded to ditch his suit jacket and his tie, his grin growing smug as he could clearly see Rachel watch with an interesting peak of her tongue against her bottom lip. "We just got married, kid. Try to look like you can't wait to jump my bones a _little_ bit more."

Rachel's jaw dropped and she looked to what Puck had slid on her ring finger and then back to him and then very quickly to Jesse, who was organizing a few papers and placing a horn-rimmed pair of glasses on.

"We're getting a room upgrade," Puck smiled at her wickedly.

"Why can't I have just married Jesse?" Rachel demanded with a pout. "We are the more plausible couple."

"Although my acting skills have unimaginably increased during my time in California, I've never been able to quite achieve pretending that I want to devour another person whole in public, whereas Puck can't exactly pull off the role that I am about to assume," Jesse explained calmly. He held out a business card and Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm offended by that reaction. I'll have you know that I'm going to whole-heartedly embrace the role of Zagat's writer…"

"It's not that. But really, how unoriginal and uninspired can the two of you be? The plot to score first class seating on the plane was an intricately laid out storyline with consequences and drama," Rachel critiqued smoothly. "The set-ups here are cliché at best."

"Give us a few days, kid. We've got plenty of stuff that's really not cliché," Puck promised with a smirk. He held his arms open and demanded, "Now come over to big daddy's lap and get cozy so we look believable the minute that limo door opens."

Jesse chuckled and Rachel shot him a disgruntled look and hesitated.

"Really, Rachel," Jesse chided. "A true actress will rise to any occasion."

She was really too easy to manipulate, and she very well knew it, but that did not stop her from launching herself at her high school Glee club teammate, boyfriend of one week, and the closest thing she had come to a best friend in the past five years. Jesse's eyes widened in shock as Rachel clung to Noah as if he were the last life preserver on the Titanic.

Puck and Jesse were very aware of the fact that Rachel's small hands were suddenly everywhere at once, and within moments, Puck looked disheveled and quite truthfully, _thoroughly had_. Rachel's hands stilled as she clutched at Puck's shirt, popping a few buttons from the top. Puck swallowed noticeably when Rachel's mouth made a steady descent towards his and his hands instinctively went for her hips and gripped at her as her lips quickly and forcefully swiped against his own before moving erratically over his neck, ears and shirt collar.

"You look properly devoured," Rachel murmured as she surveyed him critically. She smiled back at Jesse and wondered, "Do you have notes or helpful suggestions?"

Jesse's breath hitched for a moment before he caught his composure once more and he offered helpfully. "Undo his fly a bit. And then, you could stand to look a bit more…ravished."

"Feel free to help," Puck mumbled before his hands moved from Rachel's hips to where her shirt was tucked into her skirt and yanked at it swiftly. He didn't know if he was thankful or annoyed that Jesse made no move at all but stared as Puck's hand went to Rachel's hair, winding his fingers through the strands and yanking gently so that Rachel's head tiled backwards.

He pressed his open mouth against her pulse point and sucked with less gentleness than Rachel was accustomed to, causing her to let out an involuntary throaty sound. He pulled away and brought his mouth down to the top button of her top, tearing it off with his teeth.

"All good, baby," he murmured at her. He threw a smirk Jesse's way before shrugging. "See you on the other side St. Sit and Spin."

Rachel and Puck exited the limo and the bell hop obtained their bags before the limo driver took a quick spin around the block before dropping Jesse off. Jesse made it into the lobby just in time to see Puck literally lift Rachel up off the ground, allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist as she grabbed the room key the blushing and smiling front desk agent gave them. They headed off towards the elevators and to what Jesse soon discovered was a super awesome mega suite down the hall to the one he had received as well.

They converged in Jesse's room and ordered one of everything off of room service before Puck began attacking the mini-bar. Puck clearly remembered what kind of drunk Rachel had been from her epic party in high school and he couldn't help but allow her to fall readily into clingy, horny drunk girl mode. Jesse was surprised but gamely tried to keep up as Rachel squished herself between them on the couch and cuddled between both of them happily.

"So, what are we going to do now?" she demanded, her head swiveling between the two boys, perhaps allowing her smiling lips to press against each of their necks in turn.

"We are going to take sin city by storm," Jesse promised with a self-assured smile.

"Sounds exciting and fun," Rachel smiled back. She then turned to Puck and fluttered her eyelashes out of them. "What's the plan?"

Puck smirked at her, loving the way that flush started at her chest and crept up her neck as his hand found its way to her bare thigh.

"You'll see, kid. You'll see."

* * *

This is totally random, I know. And cracky. I know. Just roll with it, baby. You'll see. St. Puckleberry, for the mother freaking win.


	2. Chapter 2

So, two parts will probably become four. This is a seriously SHORT little chapter. But slightly fulfilling nonetheless.

* * *

**Liar Liar Pants on Fire – Part Two**

* * *

Rachel woke up to the absolutely heavenly smell of delicious coffee and what she could only hope were low-fat vegan muffins. A glass of water with two aspirin neatly placed on the bedside table practically shouted her name and she managed to maneuver herself around a very hard object in order to get to what would be her savior.

"Kid, unless you're going to straddle me now, stop climbing all over me…"

Rachel flew off of the hard object she had been climbing on and realized that it was Puck. She scampered backwards to collide with another hard object and she squeaked in surprise.

"Too early…go back to sleep," Jesse demanded groggily before placing a pillow over his head.

Rachel's eyes grew large and round as she assessed her situation. Fully clothed underneath the fluffy and luxurious bathrobe she must have put on some time during the night. Sandwiched between two ex-boyfriends in a king size bed. Hangover the size of Montana. In Vegas.

It all came back to her in a rush and she managed to not break down into a puddle of overwhelmed tears. Instead, she used all of her strength in pushing Puck as hard as she could, aiming to push him completely off the bed. One of Rachel's greatest flaws however was the laws of physics flying completely out of her head when she was annoyed. She only managed to shake his body back and forth slightly.

"You're gonna get it, I swear to God," Puck grumbled out lowly before reaching out one strong arm and hauling her to him by her waist.

Rachel tried to squirm away and scoot backwards but found that he only advanced with a really too absurdly delicious gleam in his eyes. She gulped as in one quick instant her front was pressed against Puck's, while her back was pressing against Jesse's.

"This is fun," Jesse mumbled drowsily, the head poking out of the pillow as his arm crept around Rachel's midsection, his forearm resting against Puck's.

Rachel felt the blush starting in her chest and it rapidly crept up her neck and very soon it felt like her face was on fire as Jesse cuddled against her back, his face nuzzling her hair sleepily and Puck…

Well something else of Puck's was nuzzling her thigh _not so sleepily_.

"We are NOT-" Rachel squeaked.

"Shhh, kid, just go with it," Puck murmured, his eyes never leaving her face as he practically devoured the sight of her pink and rosy blush.

Rachel was _powerless_ and couldn't help but **thoroughly **enjoy the dire circumstances she had fallen into. Puck licked his lips before displaying sonic speed that was entirely impressive and Rachel couldn't even fathom how had gotten his tongue in her mouth so quickly. She couldn't help the throaty and appreciative moan as Puck's forceful and entirely enjoyable liplock was forcing her whole body further back into Jesse's. She felt hands _everywhere_ all at once and her head began spinning as Jesse pressed his own lips to the pulse point at the nape of her neck. She couldn't help but think that she should be DOING something with herself as two very adventurous boys were pleasuring her into madness with only kisses. She gulped when Puck's mouth ventured away from her mouth, down her throat and sucked on her clavicle, clearing marking her.

She just hoped it wasn't a ridiculous shape this time.

"Do something, Rachel," Jesse whispered in her ear, as his hands pulled at the fluffy pink robe she had been encased in, then went for the buttons of her shirt. With each inch of flesh that was revealed, Puck had more canvas for his presumably brilliant mouth artwork.

Rachel sighed melodically as the two boys worked on thoroughly defiling her. She squirmed and gained some movement of her arms once more, her hands going in separate directions, aiming to give as good as she was getting...

"KID! WATCH THE HANDS!" Puck boomed with laughter. "At the very least, buy me dinner first!"

Rachel's eyes flew open and she saw Puck in front of her, his eyes dancing. Just past him Jesse was standing in the doorway to the bathroom, toothbrush hanging from his mouth idly as incredulity was etched on every square inch of his face.

"Rachel Berry has _naughty _dreams," Puck grinned. He arched an eyebrow and said, "I saw where that other hand was going, kid. You are a _**kinky**_ girl."

Rachel rolled her eyes and tried to contain the wildfire that had spread across her cheeks. She shook her head and demanded, "Please tell me what the game plan is for today, and I will return to my room and attempt to be suitably prepared."

"We could get Jesse fucking SMASHED out of his brain and try to recreate that dream," Puck shrugged nonchalantly.

"You know what, never mind. I'll be pool side, enjoying my impromptu vacation," Rachel huffed, darting out of the bed and heading for the door. "Please don't bother calling when you're arrested and require bail money."

She slammed the door and Puck shrugged at a seriously embarrassed, yet slightly thoughtful Jesse.  
"Seriously, dude?" Puck wondered. "How many drinks would it take?"

"Two," Jesse wagered. "Although to save face, afterwards I would refer to myself as stoned, high and plastered out of my mind."

Puck could only nod as very wrong, very impossible thoughts began to formulate in his brain. He managed a grumpy frown Jesse's way and said, "Hurry up and finish in the bathroom. I need a fucking cold shower."


End file.
